Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dealing with memories of Rob

It has been four days since I have had any contact with Rob. I have wanted to pick up the phone and call or text him so many times but I know that he does not want to hear from me so I resist the temptation. Today is especially tough because I do not have to work so I don't have anything to occupy my thoughts. I woke up this morning and as usual my first thought was of Rob. I went out and sat on my back deck and just allowed myself a good cry.

A couple of hours later my daughter picked me up so that I could run an errand in Georgetown. While we were driving down Rt 9 all I could think about was the many times Rob and I drove down the same road on his way to college. I was remembering the times I would quiz him to help him prepare for a test while making that drive. On the way home a song came on that kind of talked about the way I am feeling now that Rob is gone. It is called Breathe by Taylor Swift and Colbie Caliat.

Here are the lyrics:

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
BreatheWithout you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,
ohI can't breatheWithout you, but I have to
BreatheWithout you, but I have toBreathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorryI'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Sometimes I do feel like I can't breathe without him. I miss him more than words can say. I find myself talking out loud to him as if he is still there. I walk in the bedroom we shared and just say out loud, "I love you Rob". Does this make me crazy? It isn't only him that I miss. I miss us and I miss the person that I am when we are together. I miss knowing that at the end of the work day I have someone who is coming home to me.

I wish that I could be angry because I do think that I could handle the anger so much easier than all this hurt and confusion. I try at times to make myself angry at him but unfortunately my mind is too logical and I realize that whatever I am trying to blame him for just isn't true. I tell myself to quit thinking about him so much. I tell myself that it isn't like he is losing any sleep thinking about me. I tell myself that I never cross his mind anymore so why am I wasting my time thinking about him. But it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it just doesn't work. Because I don't really believe it is true. I doubt he is thinking about me as much as I think about him but I do believe that he misses me too and I think I do cross his mind from time to time. I just don't know what to do.

Everyone says it will get better with time but will it really? I don't believe that if you are truly in love that you can ever fall out of love. So I need to find a way to deal with my love for him because it isn't going anywhere ever. I don't want to live without him. I don't need a man to make me happy or to make my life complete but I do need Robert Gonnzalez. Somehow I have to find a way to have some kind of life without him.


  1. (((HUGS)))

    Nothing anyone can say right now will really make it better but every time I've been heartbroken, I've felt like I'd never recover and I always did.

    I believe when you love someone, he stays in your heart forever. He's a part of you. But eventually he becomes a smaller part of your house. You move on, become stronger, and eventually you meet someone and you are so grateful it didn't work out.

    Time. It just takes time. And one thing that helped me was writing it out online. It's amazing how many others you'll find who are hurting too.

  2. Thanks Stephanie. To me it is amazing that I am almost 40 and this is the first time I have ever had my heart broken. Right now the thought of finding someone else just doesn't appeal to me.