Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dealing with memories of Rob

It has been four days since I have had any contact with Rob. I have wanted to pick up the phone and call or text him so many times but I know that he does not want to hear from me so I resist the temptation. Today is especially tough because I do not have to work so I don't have anything to occupy my thoughts. I woke up this morning and as usual my first thought was of Rob. I went out and sat on my back deck and just allowed myself a good cry.

A couple of hours later my daughter picked me up so that I could run an errand in Georgetown. While we were driving down Rt 9 all I could think about was the many times Rob and I drove down the same road on his way to college. I was remembering the times I would quiz him to help him prepare for a test while making that drive. On the way home a song came on that kind of talked about the way I am feeling now that Rob is gone. It is called Breathe by Taylor Swift and Colbie Caliat.

Here are the lyrics:

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
BreatheWithout you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,
ohI can't breatheWithout you, but I have to
BreatheWithout you, but I have toBreathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorryI'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Sometimes I do feel like I can't breathe without him. I miss him more than words can say. I find myself talking out loud to him as if he is still there. I walk in the bedroom we shared and just say out loud, "I love you Rob". Does this make me crazy? It isn't only him that I miss. I miss us and I miss the person that I am when we are together. I miss knowing that at the end of the work day I have someone who is coming home to me.

I wish that I could be angry because I do think that I could handle the anger so much easier than all this hurt and confusion. I try at times to make myself angry at him but unfortunately my mind is too logical and I realize that whatever I am trying to blame him for just isn't true. I tell myself to quit thinking about him so much. I tell myself that it isn't like he is losing any sleep thinking about me. I tell myself that I never cross his mind anymore so why am I wasting my time thinking about him. But it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it just doesn't work. Because I don't really believe it is true. I doubt he is thinking about me as much as I think about him but I do believe that he misses me too and I think I do cross his mind from time to time. I just don't know what to do.

Everyone says it will get better with time but will it really? I don't believe that if you are truly in love that you can ever fall out of love. So I need to find a way to deal with my love for him because it isn't going anywhere ever. I don't want to live without him. I don't need a man to make me happy or to make my life complete but I do need Robert Gonnzalez. Somehow I have to find a way to have some kind of life without him.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."

We have all heard this but today I am questioning if it is true. It has been 2 1/2 days since the love of my life said he couldn't do this anymore and walked away from me. I honestly don't know if the happiness I had for the 20 months we were together is worth the pain I am feeling now.

After months of chatting online, Rob and I met on December 2, 2007. On our first date we didn't do anything spectacular (we went to dinner) but we had an instant connection from the moment he picked me up. I don't remember all of the details of that night but I do remember laughing more that night than I had laughed in a very long time. At the time of our first date I had been separated from my husband for 18 months and I had been on my share of bad first dates. I really didn't not have high expectations for my date with Rob. I was very pleasantly surprised with how well we got along. When he kissed me at the end of the night I had butterfiles in my stomach. I felt like a teenage girl. The entire 20 months we were together I still got butterflies when he kissed me.

About a month ago Rob moved in with me. We had several conversations about not taking each other for granted once we were living together. I thought we were prepared for the changes that were going to come but I guess we weren't prepared enough.

On July 26 very early in the morning (1 am), Rob told me that he did not want to be with me anymore. He said that he was not happy. Actually he said that he thought he would have been happier. Rob said that he just did not want all the pressures that come from having a committed relationship. I was (and still am) devasted. There are no words to describe how much I love Rob. Rob and I sat up for hours that night talking. I did not attempt to change his mind. Rob is a very stubborn man and I knew nothing I said or did was going to change his mind. He honestly thought he was doing what was best for him and what he thought was best for me. Rob was as honest and as open as he could be. He had a whole list of reasons why he thought it was best if we broke up. But the bottom line was he just didn't want to be with me or with anybody. Rob made a very typical mistake when we began dating. He went straight from being with his wife to dating me. He never took anytime for himself or anytime to analyze why his marriage failed. I had told him earlier in our relationship that he was going to wake up one day and realize that he needed some "me" time but he told me that wasn't going to happen. I guess I was right.

Rob and I probably had the most civil break up in the history of break ups. There was no fighting or yelling or name calling, there was just a lot of talking and a lot of tears on my part. After talking for about 2 hours Rob went to sleep. I was unable to sleep, everytime I closed my eyes I would think of all the reasons why I didn't want this relationship to end but I knew that I couldn't say anything to him because it wouldn't matter. Rob just kept saying that he wasn't happy with himself and because of that he couldn't make me happy. He said he needed to find out who he was and what he wanted in life before he could be in a commited relationship (I wish that he had thought about that 20 months ago). As I way lying in bed next to him the lyrics to David Cook's song Come Back to Me kept running thru my head. I got out of bed and wrote the lyrics out. In the morning when Rob took me to work I gave him the lyrics and told him that was how I felt. I told him to go do whatever it was he thought he needed to do and after he found himself to come back to me. He asked me to please not wait. He said that he didn't want to give me any false hope that he would be back. And I know that he meant it. He then gave me a hug and a kiss, told me he loved me, and then said goodbye.

So now I am faced with living the rest of my life without the man that I believe I am supposed to be with. I really don't know how to go on with my life. I really just want to sleep until my heart doesn't ache anymore. The smallest things make me think about Rob and whenever I think of him I start to cry. I work in retail and it isn't good for me to be crying at the drop of the hat but I just can't seem to stop it. At lunch today I was bored and I was going thru my phone. I have several saved text messages on there that Rob had sent me. I made the mistake of opening them and reading them. While I was reading them I saw just why I loved him so much. I used to tell Rob that he wasn't a very romantic man and for that I owe him an apology. Rob quite often sent me the sweetest text messages and he did it at random times. One of the messages I read today said, "Thank you for putting up with the good and bad me and for understanding me when I myself don't. You are a great woman. Just thought I would tell you about it. I love you VDE (Valerie Denise Edwards)!" Another message he sent said, "With every moment of every day my love grows for you more and more. You are the sun in my rainy days. You are everything to me. I love you!"

After I read these messages I started to cry because I don't believe that I will ever again receive such sweet and heart felt text messages. I miss him. I miss the text messages he would send, I miss talking to him on my lunch break, I miss waking up next to him. I miss holding hands with him, I miss cooking for him, I miss our listening to the oldies music on the drive into work together, I miss everything about him. I miss everything about us. I took out a load of laundry from the dryer today and one of his shirts was in there. As I was folding it I just started to bawl. Thankfully my 12 year old son was out playing with his friends and was not home to witness mom's complete melt down.

Rob is such an amazing man and I wish there was a way I could make him see himself the way that I see him. I know that he does need this time to himself and I love him enough to let him go. I just wish that he would come back to me when he sees whatever it is that he needs to see. Rob was so open and honest when we were talking and he was so patient in answering all my questions and yet I still have so many questions. Most of my questions start with why?

Why wasn't our love enough?
Why didn't he think that I was worth figthing for?
Why didn't he believe in us enough?
Why didn't he want to work on whatever issues we had?
Why was it so easy for him to walk away?

I know that I will never get answers to any of these questions. I did tell Rob that I didn't want to lose him completely. I can not stand the thought of never speaking to him again. Not only were we lovers we were very good friends. He was my best friend. I know that we both need time but I hope that someday we are able to be friends again.

So I can't undo anything that has been done. I can't wish him back although I would if I could. So now what do I do? How do I cope with this broken heart? Everyone says it will get better with time but I don't know if that is true. Honestly all I want to do is sleep. But that is not an option. I still have a job that I have to go to and I have a 12 year old son at home who needs me. A 12 year old son who also misses Rob and who did not get a chance to say goodbye because he was at his fathers when Rob left.
I can't eat. Until lunch today I had not eaten since dinner Saturday night. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach and the thought of food makes me sick. The only peace I get is when I am sleeping and even then I wake up several times and my first thought is of him. I hope to never go through anything like this again. I love him so much and I know he loves me. I know he is doing what he believes is best for him and what he believes is best for me. But I miss him so much. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I cope with my broken heart?